Emibub
PFG, Picture Framing God
I decided to go ahead and do this on the regular voting forum. I'm not trying to be irreverent, just want to get the ball rolling. Feel free to relocate it to Warped if more appropriate there. Just trying to have a little fun before the year ends.....................
We (the judges) have narrowed it down to this handful of choices. There were reams of truly pitiful jokes from which to choose. The decisions were hard as each joke was considered. The elimination rounds got brutal as Deb Anne and I duked it out to fight for each and every contender. As an example, Anne's right hook definitely came in handy while Deb tried to keep me from nominating Jerry's entry. So, Jerry you owe Anne a big thanks.
Anyway, please select your favorite, or least favorite depending on your point of view. Please vote early, vote often and vote responsibly. The voting ends in one week and the winner will be self evident by the results. Which honestly seems a little anticlimactic but let's face it, it isn't like we are giving away prizes or scholarships. Just the notoriety and the satisfaction of telling your friends and loved ones that you tell bad jokes.
Good luck to everybody!
Here are the jokes in their entirety, then select the one you like (or dislike)the best (or worst) at the end.
1. Judy Nansel
A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a...
(Scroll down)
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP... behind him...
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an
upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street
towards him...
... BUMP...
...BUMP...
...BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin
bouncing quickly behind him ...
faster...
faster...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door,
rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of
the coffin clapping ...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on the heels of the terrified man...
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His
heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in
sobbing gasps...
With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and
clapping towards him...
The man screams and reaches for something, anything... but all
he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!...
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin...
... the coffin stops.
--------------------
2. Wally Faye
Roy Rogers had recently bought a new pair of Tony Lama boot which he was quite proud of. Upon returning to the ranch after trip to a neighbors to show off the new boots, he stepped from the car right into a fresh cow "pie," soiling said boots.
Muttering under his breath, he removes the boots on the front porch, planning on giving them a good cleaning in the morning.
The next day arrives and Roy, still in a bit of a funk, goes to the porch to begin the task of removing the manure. Much to his chagrin he finds that the boots in tatters. Upon closer inspection he finds what appears to be the paw prints of a mountain lion nearby. The cat would be easy to identify...it was missing a toe in it's left from foot.
He hustles off to the barn, saddles up Trigger II and heads off to track the mountain lion. He follows the prints as far as he can, but the sun was setting and he had to head back home.
That evening he gets on the Internet, and IM's his buddy list about the new boots being destroyed by the 3 toed Puma. His buddies agree to form a posse and search out the cat.
They band-up the next day and head out in search of the cat. They are able to find signs of the cat, but no one sights it, and after 3 days of searching, they decide to give up and head back to the ranch.
Roy half-heartedly announces a bounty on the Mountain Lion, and resigns himself to the fact that the animal had gotten away.
A couple of weeks later a lone guide who had been setting up camp sites for some city slickers from back east, happens upon a 3-toed Mountain Lion, shoots him and prepares to make the trip to the Roger's ranch to collect his reward.
The trip was somewhat arduous, as his horse spooked at the sight of the dead Mountain Lion, and he had to carry the dead animal on his back the whole trip.
He finally reaches the ranch, and seeing the famous singing cowboy in the front yard, walks up and says....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Pardon me Roy, is this the cat that chewed your new shoes?"
----------------------------
3. John Richards:
What do you call Michael Jackson's bal*s?
,
,
,
,
,
,
Toys for Tots.
-----------------------------------
4.Lyoncat:
Evidence has been found that William Tell and
his family were avid bowlers. However, all the
league records were unfortunately destroyed in a
fire.
Thus we will never know for whom the Tells
bowled.
--------------------
5.Framar:
Three Native American women are seated side by side. The first woman, seated on a goatskin, has a son who weighs 170 pounds. The second woman, seated on a deerskin, has a son who weighs 130 pounds. The third woman is seated on a hippopotamus hide and SHE weighs 300 pounds.
What famous theorum does this illustrate?
The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.
------------------------
6.Jvandy:
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
The bartender says, "what's with the steering wheel in your pants"
The Pirate replies, " Arrrrrrghhh tis driven me nuts!"
--------------------
7.DTWDSM:
In the old west, a man walked into the sheriffs office &said, "I want to
become a deputy!"
"Fine. I want you to catch this man." the sheriff said, handing the man a
wanted poster.
It read, "Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown
paper pants, and brown paper boots."
"What's he wanted for?" asked the new deputy.
.
.
.
.
.
"Rustling."
------------------------
8.Dermot:
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
--------------------
9.Hannah:
A fellow bought a parrot at the discount parrot store. He regretted it immediately. The parrot was mean, and swore and bit constantly. The fellow tried to teach the parrot better manners, but it just called him names. Kindness had no, effect, and punishment just made the bird meaner.
One day, the parrot bit the man extra hard, and, losing his patience, the man tossed the parrot into the freezer. At first, the parrot just swore a blue streak. Then, suddenly, he was silent.
The man, fearing he had gone too far, opened the freezer, to find the parrot just sitting quietly. He took it out, and it sat on his hand politely.
"I'm sorry," said the parrot, "I'll be good."
The man was amazed.
"Can I ask a question?" said the parrot.
"Sure."
"What did the chicken do?"
--------------------
---------------------------------------
10. Charles:
There was a king whose castle was in the middle of a huge swamp.
The only way to the city, for food and supplies, was on a straight road that took you into the city.
The people began to run out of food, and the king picked his fiercest, hardest-fighting knight and had him lead a large wagon into town to pick up supplies.
The knight left, and the king went up to the top of his castle and watched the knights progress with his telescope.
The procession got about half-way, and all of a sudden, these HUGE yellow hands rose up out of the swamp, and dragged the knight, wagon, and the whole outfit down into the murky swamp.
The king was miffed and worried, and didn't want to lose anyone else as valuable as a full-fledged knight, so he ordered a squire to take up the quest.
They set out, got to the same spot, and again, the HUGE yellow hands pulled everything down into the swamp.
By now, the king was desperate, and beside himself, because the people were hungry, and he was afraid of a general uprising.
That same day, a little knights page showed up and said, "Your Majesty, I'll go into the city and get the supplies."
The king figured that pages were easy to find, and he had nothing to lose, so he sent him on his way, with little hope of his returning.
As the king watched diligently, the page and the procession got to the spot in the swamp where the dreaded yellow hands had previously appeared. Nothing happened! The procession continued on its way, returning in a few days with all the food and supplies the king had ordered. The king was overjoyed, and gave the page a medal.
The moral of the story....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers,"
----------------------------
11. Bob Carter:
A man loses both of his arms in a tragic accident. Everywhere he looks for work, he is turned down. He is insistent of finding a job.
He notices an ad from the church for a Bell Ringer.
He is certain he can do this job and goes to the church to apply. He rings the buzzer (with his nose).
The Pastor comes to the door and the man says "I'm here to apply for the job."
The Pastor say "My good man, you have no arms. How can you possibly ring the bell?"
The man says" Everywhere I go, people turn me down because I have no arms. I want to work and if you will just give me a chance I'm sure I'll figure something out"
The Pastor, with Christian charity, tells the man if he can ring the bell every hour on the hour every day, he can have the job, but he wants to see how the man will do it.
They climb the three flights of stairs to the belfry and the man sees the bell and runs across the belfry and hits the bell with his head. Sure enough, the bell rings loud and true.
The Pastor can't believe what he saw but is a man of his word and offers the job.
Everyday on the hour the man climbs the stairs, runs across the floor and smacks into the bell. After a few days the man's head is the size of a basketball and looks like hamburger.
The next hour, he climbs the stairs to ring the bell and takes off running, but trips on a loose board, misses the bell and goes flying out the opening falling three stories landing with a splat on the street.
A crowd gathers and people are asking if anyone knows who he is.
One man steps forward and says "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell"
-------------------------
12.Framerguy:
There was this big game hunter who had collected trophies from all over the world. He had just about run out of prospects when he heard of a very very rare porpoise that lived off the coast of Chile. These porpoises were reputed to be immortal and the natives in that area spoke of them in legendary terms around the evening campfires.
The hunter decided to bag one of these immortal porpoises to complete his worldwide adventures so he traveled to the Chilean interior in search of someone who had knowledge of these elusive mammals. He came upon a village and talked to the local witch doctor who knew of these porpoises and he told the hunter that the only way to entice them close to shore was to use myna birds as bait.
A very bizarre method but the hunter decided to give it a try so he bought a couple of myna birds, hired some natives to carry his baggage and the caged mynas, and off into the jungle he went towards the section of shoreline known to be the haunts of the porpoises.
As they followed the trail leading to the shoreline, they encountered a lion sleeping directly in the center of the trail. This lion was wearing a Florida State University sweatshirt!! (Very strange attire for a Chilean lion.) Well, rather than risk the wrath of a lion rudely awakened from a dreamy sleep, they decided to carefully step over the lion and continue down the trail, ............. which they did.
Almost immediately, they were surrounded by a full task force of Chilean Special Forces personnel and arrested!
Betcha can't guess what the charges were??
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
They were charged with "Transporting mynas across a State Lion for Immortal Porpoises!"
[ 12-30-2003, 07:08 PM: Message edited by: Emibub ]
We (the judges) have narrowed it down to this handful of choices. There were reams of truly pitiful jokes from which to choose. The decisions were hard as each joke was considered. The elimination rounds got brutal as Deb Anne and I duked it out to fight for each and every contender. As an example, Anne's right hook definitely came in handy while Deb tried to keep me from nominating Jerry's entry. So, Jerry you owe Anne a big thanks.
Anyway, please select your favorite, or least favorite depending on your point of view. Please vote early, vote often and vote responsibly. The voting ends in one week and the winner will be self evident by the results. Which honestly seems a little anticlimactic but let's face it, it isn't like we are giving away prizes or scholarships. Just the notoriety and the satisfaction of telling your friends and loved ones that you tell bad jokes.
Good luck to everybody!
Here are the jokes in their entirety, then select the one you like (or dislike)the best (or worst) at the end.
1. Judy Nansel
A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a...
(Scroll down)
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP... behind him...
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an
upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street
towards him...
... BUMP...
...BUMP...
...BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin
bouncing quickly behind him ...
faster...
faster...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door,
rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of
the coffin clapping ...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on the heels of the terrified man...
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His
heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in
sobbing gasps...
With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and
clapping towards him...
The man screams and reaches for something, anything... but all
he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!...
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin...
... the coffin stops.
--------------------
2. Wally Faye
Roy Rogers had recently bought a new pair of Tony Lama boot which he was quite proud of. Upon returning to the ranch after trip to a neighbors to show off the new boots, he stepped from the car right into a fresh cow "pie," soiling said boots.
Muttering under his breath, he removes the boots on the front porch, planning on giving them a good cleaning in the morning.
The next day arrives and Roy, still in a bit of a funk, goes to the porch to begin the task of removing the manure. Much to his chagrin he finds that the boots in tatters. Upon closer inspection he finds what appears to be the paw prints of a mountain lion nearby. The cat would be easy to identify...it was missing a toe in it's left from foot.
He hustles off to the barn, saddles up Trigger II and heads off to track the mountain lion. He follows the prints as far as he can, but the sun was setting and he had to head back home.
That evening he gets on the Internet, and IM's his buddy list about the new boots being destroyed by the 3 toed Puma. His buddies agree to form a posse and search out the cat.
They band-up the next day and head out in search of the cat. They are able to find signs of the cat, but no one sights it, and after 3 days of searching, they decide to give up and head back to the ranch.
Roy half-heartedly announces a bounty on the Mountain Lion, and resigns himself to the fact that the animal had gotten away.
A couple of weeks later a lone guide who had been setting up camp sites for some city slickers from back east, happens upon a 3-toed Mountain Lion, shoots him and prepares to make the trip to the Roger's ranch to collect his reward.
The trip was somewhat arduous, as his horse spooked at the sight of the dead Mountain Lion, and he had to carry the dead animal on his back the whole trip.
He finally reaches the ranch, and seeing the famous singing cowboy in the front yard, walks up and says....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Pardon me Roy, is this the cat that chewed your new shoes?"
----------------------------
3. John Richards:
What do you call Michael Jackson's bal*s?
,
,
,
,
,
,
Toys for Tots.
-----------------------------------
4.Lyoncat:
Evidence has been found that William Tell and
his family were avid bowlers. However, all the
league records were unfortunately destroyed in a
fire.
Thus we will never know for whom the Tells
bowled.
--------------------
5.Framar:
Three Native American women are seated side by side. The first woman, seated on a goatskin, has a son who weighs 170 pounds. The second woman, seated on a deerskin, has a son who weighs 130 pounds. The third woman is seated on a hippopotamus hide and SHE weighs 300 pounds.
What famous theorum does this illustrate?
The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.
------------------------
6.Jvandy:
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
The bartender says, "what's with the steering wheel in your pants"
The Pirate replies, " Arrrrrrghhh tis driven me nuts!"
--------------------
7.DTWDSM:
In the old west, a man walked into the sheriffs office &said, "I want to
become a deputy!"
"Fine. I want you to catch this man." the sheriff said, handing the man a
wanted poster.
It read, "Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown
paper pants, and brown paper boots."
"What's he wanted for?" asked the new deputy.
.
.
.
.
.
"Rustling."
------------------------
8.Dermot:
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
--------------------
9.Hannah:
A fellow bought a parrot at the discount parrot store. He regretted it immediately. The parrot was mean, and swore and bit constantly. The fellow tried to teach the parrot better manners, but it just called him names. Kindness had no, effect, and punishment just made the bird meaner.
One day, the parrot bit the man extra hard, and, losing his patience, the man tossed the parrot into the freezer. At first, the parrot just swore a blue streak. Then, suddenly, he was silent.
The man, fearing he had gone too far, opened the freezer, to find the parrot just sitting quietly. He took it out, and it sat on his hand politely.
"I'm sorry," said the parrot, "I'll be good."
The man was amazed.
"Can I ask a question?" said the parrot.
"Sure."
"What did the chicken do?"
--------------------
---------------------------------------
10. Charles:
There was a king whose castle was in the middle of a huge swamp.
The only way to the city, for food and supplies, was on a straight road that took you into the city.
The people began to run out of food, and the king picked his fiercest, hardest-fighting knight and had him lead a large wagon into town to pick up supplies.
The knight left, and the king went up to the top of his castle and watched the knights progress with his telescope.
The procession got about half-way, and all of a sudden, these HUGE yellow hands rose up out of the swamp, and dragged the knight, wagon, and the whole outfit down into the murky swamp.
The king was miffed and worried, and didn't want to lose anyone else as valuable as a full-fledged knight, so he ordered a squire to take up the quest.
They set out, got to the same spot, and again, the HUGE yellow hands pulled everything down into the swamp.
By now, the king was desperate, and beside himself, because the people were hungry, and he was afraid of a general uprising.
That same day, a little knights page showed up and said, "Your Majesty, I'll go into the city and get the supplies."
The king figured that pages were easy to find, and he had nothing to lose, so he sent him on his way, with little hope of his returning.
As the king watched diligently, the page and the procession got to the spot in the swamp where the dreaded yellow hands had previously appeared. Nothing happened! The procession continued on its way, returning in a few days with all the food and supplies the king had ordered. The king was overjoyed, and gave the page a medal.
The moral of the story....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers,"
----------------------------
11. Bob Carter:
A man loses both of his arms in a tragic accident. Everywhere he looks for work, he is turned down. He is insistent of finding a job.
He notices an ad from the church for a Bell Ringer.
He is certain he can do this job and goes to the church to apply. He rings the buzzer (with his nose).
The Pastor comes to the door and the man says "I'm here to apply for the job."
The Pastor say "My good man, you have no arms. How can you possibly ring the bell?"
The man says" Everywhere I go, people turn me down because I have no arms. I want to work and if you will just give me a chance I'm sure I'll figure something out"
The Pastor, with Christian charity, tells the man if he can ring the bell every hour on the hour every day, he can have the job, but he wants to see how the man will do it.
They climb the three flights of stairs to the belfry and the man sees the bell and runs across the belfry and hits the bell with his head. Sure enough, the bell rings loud and true.
The Pastor can't believe what he saw but is a man of his word and offers the job.
Everyday on the hour the man climbs the stairs, runs across the floor and smacks into the bell. After a few days the man's head is the size of a basketball and looks like hamburger.
The next hour, he climbs the stairs to ring the bell and takes off running, but trips on a loose board, misses the bell and goes flying out the opening falling three stories landing with a splat on the street.
A crowd gathers and people are asking if anyone knows who he is.
One man steps forward and says "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell"
-------------------------
12.Framerguy:
There was this big game hunter who had collected trophies from all over the world. He had just about run out of prospects when he heard of a very very rare porpoise that lived off the coast of Chile. These porpoises were reputed to be immortal and the natives in that area spoke of them in legendary terms around the evening campfires.
The hunter decided to bag one of these immortal porpoises to complete his worldwide adventures so he traveled to the Chilean interior in search of someone who had knowledge of these elusive mammals. He came upon a village and talked to the local witch doctor who knew of these porpoises and he told the hunter that the only way to entice them close to shore was to use myna birds as bait.
A very bizarre method but the hunter decided to give it a try so he bought a couple of myna birds, hired some natives to carry his baggage and the caged mynas, and off into the jungle he went towards the section of shoreline known to be the haunts of the porpoises.
As they followed the trail leading to the shoreline, they encountered a lion sleeping directly in the center of the trail. This lion was wearing a Florida State University sweatshirt!! (Very strange attire for a Chilean lion.) Well, rather than risk the wrath of a lion rudely awakened from a dreamy sleep, they decided to carefully step over the lion and continue down the trail, ............. which they did.
Almost immediately, they were surrounded by a full task force of Chilean Special Forces personnel and arrested!
Betcha can't guess what the charges were??
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
They were charged with "Transporting mynas across a State Lion for Immortal Porpoises!"
[ 12-30-2003, 07:08 PM: Message edited by: Emibub ]
